February is the month of love. Truth bomb: I used to hate all things Valentine’s Day and February’s only saving grace for me was the fact that Mardi Gras typically falls during it. But, then I had kids and I realized that maybe I needed to start celebrating Valentine’s Day to teach my boys how to cherish girls/women and my girls how to accept their celebration while also cherishing the boys/men in their lives. So, while we participate in the Hallmark side of things now, we also teach them the meaningful - not materialistic - side of the holiday. Hubby takes the boys to shop for us girls, and I take the girls to shop for the boys. It’s fun and gets them used to picking out gifts specifically for each person - being intentional in their gift-giving. But, February can be a nice time to reflect on more than just candies and romantic gestures. It’s a great time to take inventory of our family’s culture and relationships.
Of course, we love our spouses and children, but how often do we CHOOSE to invest in each individual person? Just like in January, we focused on the rhythm of the home, February is for focusing on the culture of the home. And each home’s culture is unique to the individuals who live there.
From traditions to meals to values to entertainment to company kept, all of these things contribute to the home’s culture. We can create a negative home culture of anger, shame, dishonesty, guilt, etc or we can create a home culture of love, forgiveness, honesty, patience, integrity, etc.
The family culture we practice creates the intrinsic sense of identity our children will take into adulthood. All relationships grow in proportion to the investment of time and individual attention that has been put into them. Understanding that each person is unique and contributes in their own way to the family is of utmost importance. Acknowledging each individual's achievements, likes, dislikes, aspirations, etc helps instill a sense of security and of loving and being loved. What our children hear and feel daily in our homes is what they will take with them when they are far away. Our relationships with them have the potential to sustain them through every season of life.
I’m an only child which often makes others think I was constantly doted on, spoiled, cherished, etc and while I didn’t have anything near a horrible childhood, my parent’s relationship with me was rarely made a priority and my true heart’s desire was never cherished or sought after. I never learned to be myself, live peacefully with others, how to give or to receive affection, or how to choose healthy attachments. The home culture is where children are supposed to learn this. By just trying to control me and not trying to get to know and grow my true self, my mom is now reaping the consequences of a broken relationship with me and my children. That’s another post (more like a book) for another time though.
As mothers, we provide love, acceptance, attention, and guidance to grow secure children. If my children do not have their needs for attachment met in my home, they will look for it from their peers or anywhere else they can get it.
So how do we ensure we are doing our best to create a healthy home culture?
1. Time and availability
We should be sure to share our emotions, truth, and training with our kids. We need to teach them how to relate to others without shame or nagging. Within reason, we should strive to provide what they need when they need it. Don’t blow them off and say “in a minute” which turns to never. They’ll soon realize what you truly mean. I’m beyond guilty of this with four kids 6 and under so I’ll be making sure to work on this specifically. Spending undivided time with each of them occasionally goes a long way. And always remember relationship first, discipline second. You can’t discipline someone who has a broken relationship with you.
2. Acceptance
We must unconditionally accept our children, as they are, in all circumstances. Even if they differ from us; especially if they differ from us. The expectations we usually have of children are often unrealistic and not age - or maturity - appropriate and when we resort to guilt, nagging, and shame, it only makes them feel unaccepted by the people that matter most.
Could you go to your parents with your inner heart’s desires and be met with love or were you told that you weren’t right/made to feel less than/or flat-out rejected?
And while children should feel 100% accepted in their homes, we must also realize that they will disappoint us in many ways. But even though there may be disappointment at times, our children should know with their whole beings that there is no better confidant, cheerleader, or shoulder to cry on than Mom.
3. Encouragement
This one is so hard for me and also easy. I feel like I’m pretty good at affirming truthfully, meaning I don’t hype up my kids for no reason at all, but I let them know when they’ve succeeded or impressed me. I’m not a “good job” at everything mom and my kids know they’re special to me, but that doesn’t mean the world revolves around them. I encourage based on facts not just for fluff.
What’s hard for me is criticism - especially for things they cannot help. Sally Clarkson says it perfectly:
“As we accept and encourage our children, we will teach them to be encouraging in their own relationships. Children who are constantly criticized will tend to be negative and critical in their relationships with others. When children feel appreciated and encouraged, they become encouragers themselves, sources of life and hope.” P133 Mission of Motherhood
4. Grace
Structure and discipline are important in the growth of. Children but so is grace when they fail. Words either heal or wound.
Grace needs to start with ourselves and our thoughts, though. If we constantly speak to ourselves negatively and don’t give ourselves any grace for mistakes, it’s hard for us to extend grace to our kids or spouses.
“Don’t hold on to past mistakes, train yourself to look for strengths”
With everyone.
5. Relationship Training
Our children must experience real love and commitment before they can extend it to themselves and to others. By teaching our children to place worth on every human being, we teach honor. They learn to reach out in individual ways, making them good friends.
They must also learn to be content and accept their circumstances. This will help them adjust to adult life. They need help learning to reach beyond their own needs and desires to express love to others.
Go forth and love!
Things to remember:
Words either heal or wound
We are in charge of our home culture
All relationships grow in proportion to the investment of time and individual attention that has been put into them.
Questions to ponder:
Are we choosing to invest time in the important people in our lives?
What is our home's current culture?
Am I satisfied with this culture or do we need to change it?
What steps can I take to change the culture of my home?
How can I intentionally invest time with each person in my home?
Am I teaching my children contentment or to never be satisfied?
Challenges:
Schedule one-on-one time with each child this month
Pay attention to how you speak to yourself and adjust if needed
Write a sweet note to someone special and give or send it to them
Write down how each person in your family contributes to the home and their unique attributes - ones you like and dislike - that make them their own person
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